your room smells of hookers.
And success
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
