M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Randomize
