yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
