ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
