New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
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