not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Randomize
