dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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