You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
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