i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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