uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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