Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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