he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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