You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
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Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
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Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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