I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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