My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
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