I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Randomize
