I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
