How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize
