It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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