you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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