hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
Where is the hickey?
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
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