That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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