11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
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