I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
