YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!