When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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