Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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