Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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