im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
