The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
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