I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
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