Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
