im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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