Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
