Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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