I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
