i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
