in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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