Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
