How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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