insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
