Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
You have to summon your inner elephant
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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