rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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