yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
love makes seman taste better
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
