What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
