Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
