TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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