y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Randomize
