for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
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