I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Randomize
