I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
You ate ashes out of my bong
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
