did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
