why didn't you poke me back
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he's gonorrhea incarnate
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
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