I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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