My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
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