we're chasing vodka with high fives
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
